I am not sure where the initial realization came from, or where exactly the moment came when I knew that something needed to change. Perhaps it was at a conference in Philadelphia that I recently came back from. I was in my hotel room and was too tired to go out for dinner, so I went ahead an ordered room service. I was on an expense account, so I really did not pay attention to the price. I ordered a serving of Buffalo Wings, an order of Cheesburger Sliders, an order of Fish and Chips and Red Velvet Cake for Dessert.
And I ate all of it within half an hour.
I knew something was wrong. No one person should eat that much food for any reason. I unfortunately realized that I have been eating this way for a long period of time -- too long to be honest -- without any regard for my health, my family or anyone else. I wanted and needed immediate gratification, and food provided that fix. I could blame it on a number of things - strees, anxiety, family history (I come from a family of eaters), or a host of other excuses. But that is exactly what they are - excuses. There is no reason to eat like this and destroy your body - especially at my age. I could do a number of things differently to change my life, but I haven't. I have been in denial and have avoided the problem for far too long. I have started a number of diets and exercise regimens and have given them all up. It has gotten to the point that my wife does not believe I'll ever lose the weight, and who can blame her.
But, it needs to stop. My six year old daughter, Arianna, told me a few weeks ago that if I died she would be very sad. She always wanted me to be with her. After I put her to bed I went into the bathroom and wept. I don't want to die either - I want to see my children grow up. I want to walk Arianna down the aisle and give a toast to Gabriel at his wedding. I want to grow old with my wife, Yael, and retire to San Francisco like we have always dreamed. I am never going to get there at this point. I'll be lucky to hit 45.
Today was the day I told myself I was going to change this. I was going to go on some prefabricated diet. I was going to change my relationship with food and stop using it as a crutch. I was going to make better choices and use my love of cooking to make better and healthier meals. I was going to exercise regularly - even if it meant getting up at 5:00 am just to get an hour in.
I was going to stop making excuses, and stop lying, and stop living in denial. Every choice I make from this point on will affect those that I love the most. I reminded myself this morning that I need to do this for them, as much as for me. I cannot leave my wife a widow with two kids - she will hate me forever. I don't want to leave my kids without a father - I have seen what that does to people. This needs to change - right now and not a moment too soon.
To assist me, I am keeping an electronic food journal; dedicating myself to at least 60 minutes of exercise a day; keeping a blog so I can indulge my love of writing and get my feelings out instead of internalizing them; and learning to use other means to deal with stress and anxiety.
I used to smoke a long time ago, and I came to the same realization some time ago. I managed to quit on my own and have been off cigarettes for almost 15 years. I know that I can do this if I just focus.
My weigh-in today was 272 pounds. I have never been this heavy in my life. I was the tall, skinny guy in high school, and that seems like an eternity ago. My goal is to shed 100 pounds by December 1 of next year. I should gain back, I hope, the health that I have lost by becoming this big.
Wish me luck.
